Truth hurts sometimes (a spontaneous exchange re: gay marriage)

(I apologize for all the weird highlighting and spacing in this post.  Sometimes the blogger program has a mind and will of its own.)

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I am involved in a discussion forum about camping, particularly about camping with travel trailers and other RVs manufactured by one particular company.  The conversation among this group of fellow happy campers is typically light, helpful, humorous, and friendly.  I love camping.  They love camping.  Kindred spirits.

Until one happy camper started a thread about the upcoming Fourth of July holiday including the sacrifices of our forefathers and the Declaration of Independence.    Another camper brought up the recent Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage.   She and her spouse, who is also a woman, are pleased, as would be expected.  Others in the forum expressed cautious concern about the ruling and the possible direction it would take us.  As far as I could tell, there was no malice nor personal attacks whatsoever.  Just honest opinions, stated politely.  Then she said:

"Gee. I didn't believe it was possible to feel bad on a day like today. But I think you guys have managed it. Think I'll take a break for awhile."

And I, who cannot hold my opinion back, spoke up several posts later:

"I am deeply saddened about the direction our beloved country is going and disagree with the recent rulings of the Supreme Court. That said, I strongly believe that everyone, regardless of their opinions and lifestyles, deserves to treated kindly, respectfully, and fairly.  Discrimination in jobs, housing, etc., is wrong.  That's the person I was taught to be by my Christian faith.
At the same time, that respect must go both ways and I, as one who will always believe in traditional marriage as it has been defined in all major societies throughout history, hope to receive the same respect.  And if we ever cross paths in a campground, may we sit around the campfire as friends sharing marshmallows."   

Then, a few posts down, I added:


"I think it's pretty great that, in spite of our different opinions, we can come together over our mutual love for camping."  

During the course of this conversation, this person quoted me (the part in blue) and asked:

"I want to make sure I understand what you're saying.  Do you believe that my family should not have the same protections under the law that your family enjoys?"

About this time another person came on and suggested this conversation be taken to another forum.  Good call, on his part.  So to respect that, I answered her via a private message:  (Quoted in its entirety.  Read all, part, or none, if you care.)

"I wish to respectfully answer your question about your family having the same protections under the law, as others.  

I would have preferred those protections be achieved legally through a civil union, including the same tax benefits, inheritance, hospital visiting privileges, etc. I don't wish to deny anyone of their constitutional rights or protections. And I understand the desire to spend your life with the one you love. Anyone with a heart sympathizes with that.  

But at the same time, I feel very strongly that societies must be set up to give the highest possible protections for the most innocent and voiceless .... children. Children need both their father and their mother, and neither should ever be considered optional or replaceable. I believe God/nature intended it this way, otherwise conception would have been designed differently. I fear that the legalization of gay marriage will lead to more gay parenting where, without exception, the children must sacrifice one parent, in exchange for another. Children should never be expected to pay such a price to suit the needs of an adult. I feel the same about divorce. It should be avoided if at all possible.

Please let me stress .... I am not saying that LGBTs are any less loving and devoted to their children. I believe they can be just as wonderful parents as anyone. But no one, regardless of whom, can completely replace a child's own biological parents. Human beings have an innate attachment to their biological roots. Some may bury it deeply in their soul, but it's there nonetheless and is one of the things that separates us from other life forms. Please also let me stress that I whole-heartedly endorse adoption. In situations where both parents cannot marry and raise their child together, then adoption into a stable, married two-parent home with a mom and a dad, is a blessing from heaven. But never should a child's birth be planned, before conception, to include adoption. That would be putting the desires of the adult ahead of the needs of the child. I also feel that any home with a loving parent is better than no home, for those children who have little to no chance of adoption. 

I do not understand how our society values the presence and input of both sexes in places like employment, government, juries, and even in the Supreme Court itself (and how it) acknowledges readily, that there are indeed differences between men and women, otherwise it wouldn't matter if there was a balance of both in any situation. Yet, the presence and input of both sexes in raising a child has been deemed unimportant. This is why the Supreme Court ruling saddens me. I raised three sons and a daughter and know I could not have filled the inevitable void, had they not had their dad too. There were countless times they needed just me, and countless times they needed only him. And without question, they needed both their parents together. They still do.

Finally, as I said in my post, respect and civility are so very important. I can love someone and do all I can to support their family, while disagreeing with their choices or lifestyle. I do not mean to offend or hurt, just to speak the truth as I see it. The needs of children must come first. Our opinions differ, but hopefully, again as I said, if we ever meet, we can still be friends."

Then on the public thread, the conversation veered to hotdogs and other pertinent political leanings with the usual cheerful banter.  A few hours later I checked back and found that she had posted my private message in the public forum, along with her response:  


"Since you put your oiginal posting here, where it is available for all to see,as I did with my question to you, I feel it is only fair that your reply be posted publicly as well. It is all too convenient to make sweeping statments in public and soften them in private. I have had a stomach full of this in my life. 

Your answer tells me that, with all respect, you do not believe that my family is equal to yours. You wish us to have legal protections, but only if we call it something less than what you have. In actuality, we are all "civilly united." Perhaps all marriage licenses should be called that, and those who wish to have a religious designation can seek that somewhere else. 

The trouble with making general statements about what you believe, without meaning to offend or hurt, is that you are actually talking about REAL PEOPLE LIKE ME. I am not a concept, or a political ideology. I do not live a "lifestyle" anymore than you live a "lifestyle". This is my actual life. And everytime you say, however "respectfully" that my family is not as good as yours because we don't have a father in the house and that "gay parenting", whatever that is, will never be as good as the parenting in your house, you hurt me. And you hurt my child. 

Where your "belief" does not hold water is about the children. I would like to know where the straight mothers and fathers were when my son was lying in an orphanage unwanted by all the mother and father units out there? Oh, but wait! You allow that "any home is better than no home." So, I guess we're better than dirt, at least. 

What I am trying to tell you is that we are not talking about having different "opinions" here. This is my life you are talking about. This is our son's life you are talking about. So, please, do not pretend we are merely having a difference of opinion. 

Friends are people who are equals. How could I possibly feel welcome around your campfire knowing that you feel our family is second rate? What would we tell our son after we roasted marshmallows over your campfire?  

You are, as a free citizen of this country, of course entitled to any thought you would like to have in your head. But the minute you put these things out there for other people to see or hear, it hurts me. And it hurts our son. Just know that."



Soon after that, the thread was closed... which was wise and sad, at the same time.  Campers are supposed to be happy, and there was no happiness happening here.

Bottom line:  It's human nature to demonize someone you see as your opponent in order to feel better about yourself.  We're all tempted to do this once in a while, especially when the facts are not on your side.  As long as she can think of me as evil, selfish, unfeeling, or what have you, she feels justified in demonizing my opinion as well.   I've seen this happen many times in Liberal/Conservative interactions.  We say they are wrong and give facts.  They say we are bad and express emotion.  And they often get away with it. 

So forget about free speech, or the respect for differing opinions.  I am "entitled to any thought I would like to have in my head" ...... but not to speak it.  Because it might hurt someone's feelings. 

Forget speaking up for truth and common sense.  Feelings and emotions of the most vocal and militant are all that matter in this sadly upside-down world.  



Part two coming.